Pardon me for being a little Shakesperean, too romantic and absolutely mushy and fate-ish…I have just finished reading a very lovely book! I’m in love…

———————————————————–

Where, oh where are you my darling?

Where, oh where are you?

I believe somehow I’ll meet you.

When? I am not sure. But definitely I will meet you.

Though I do wish I’ll meet you earlier. I’d rather it be sooner rather than later.

I wonder how you’ll exactly be.

I’ve had images, fantasies…

Surely you’d match me up with my wit.

You’ll be amiable. You’ll have manners, of course, even if I have to drill them into you personally.

You’ll have faults, everyone does, and I’ll be as understanding as I can be.

I can imagine you now. But surely the reality should be better. I always believe if something is good, why not it be the best?

I’m not sure of who you are.

But right now, I’m in love with you. It sounds crazy, stupid even but I am.

And when you do come and I meet you, I can’t assure you I’ll readily admit that I love you, hopefully that’ll endear me to you more. And if I have already met you, hopefully you’ll love me even more for my quirks.

To that person, to the person who will own me, posses me…

To the person I will treat as a prince and who will treat me as a princess in turn…

To the person who I will love fully…

Please believe, that we’ll be together soon.

I tried to fight it and I failed. I tried to move on but I kept holding back. I tried to get over it but my heart wouldn’t let me. So now I will do my last resort. I’ll sulk and mull and think and whine and hope and wallow in self-pity.

To help me is quotes for the broken-heart:

"Deep down you know it’s best for yourself,
but you hate the thought of him being with someone else."

"Why am I afraid to lose you when you’re not even mine…"

"Don’t cry for someone that won’t cry for you."

"If I never met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I didn’t likeyou I wouldn’t love you.
If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t miss you, but I did, I doand I will."

"I hate you for not letting me have you."

"I cried when I knew I lost you,
                      afraid I had lost it all.
                      Then I realized that losing you,
                      didn’t have to mean I lost me."

"One day you will seek love
                      and be sorry that you threw mine away."

"Don’t ever give up if you still want to try,
                      Don’t ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry.
                      Don’t ever settle for an answer if you still want to know.
                      Don’t ever say you don’t love him if you can’t let him go."

"It’s like my mind knows what’s right
                      but my heart is being retarded and still cares."

"How can I lose something that I never had?"

"She’s got him falling head over heels
                      for her and I can’t even get him to stumble…"

"I miss you a little, I guess you could say,
                      a little too much, a little too often,
                      and a little more each day."

"You hurt me more than I deserve,
                      how can you be so cruel?
                      I love you more than you deserve,
                      why am I such a fool?"

"Days continue to pass, stars continue to shine.
                      Why do I have tears in my eyes today
                      when he was NEVER mine?"

" If I could be anyone at this moment,
                      I’d be her so you’d love me too."

"Should I smile because he’s my friend,
                      or cry because that’s all he is?"

To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
~Bess Myerson

" The pain of
having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet
not so little as to let you live. "

" For all sad words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are these, It might have been. "

~ John Greenleaf Whittier

" You don’t die from a
broken heart.. you only wish you did."

"Sometimes I wish I were a little
kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts."

" Ask me why I keep on loving you
when it’s clear that you don’t feel the same way for me… the
problem is that as much as I can’t force you to love me, I can’t
force myself to stop loving you  "

—-

I wallow in self-pity right now, thinking I don’t love you anymore. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m irrational. But tomorrow, I know, it will be the same. Tomorrow when I wake up and try to erase those wonderful dreams about you in my mind I’ll just realize I still do love you, I still have my broken heart and you still love her.

Nothing changed, only the pain is more unbearable but somehow I still continue living with a smile. Not crying even when my heart aches so much. Always thinking about the bright side while in truth I’d like nothing but to lie to myself and pretend at least while you’re not there to crush my illusions that maybe you do love me. And maybe I do have a chance with you.

—-

"I’d go through all the heartache, the tears, the loneliness, the pain all over again if you swear you’ll be waiting for me after that."

"Why is it I end up falling for the people that never loves me back?"

"I know I deserve better but I just wish I could have you."

"I’m so good at giving advice to my friends it’s confuses me why I can’t seem to follow my own advice."

"I’m looking where you cast my heart aside hoping the next time I see I won’t give it again."

"I’m empathetic to you, after all whatever you’re going through I’ve gone through it already. And I’m still treading farther."

"Why is it always, ‘I love you’ and ‘You love her’? Why can’t it ever be ‘I love you’ and ‘You love me’?"

I am not screwed! It’s bad enough I get emotionally tortured everyday just because of my crush….

NOOOOEEESSSS!!!!!!!!!

It cant be!

I’m actually fascinated by shonen-ai…I feel sick…and yet so squealy!

I’m straight…I know I am….

I mean, I like shonen-ai but I absolutely refuse to associate myself with shoujo-ai…see…

Oh no…oh my…oh shit!

I mean I kinda like shonen-ai pairings…I so can’t deal with this….

It’s all your fault Kyo Kara Maou and all other ficcages I’ve read!!!

I mean who can resist, Yuuri and Wolram(Kyo Kara Maou), Kaito and Hakuba(Magic Kaitou) or Luke and Asch/Guy(Tales of the Abyss)?

I am sick…So utterly sick.

*desk-ing head repeatedly…*

No…No…No…No…No…No…No…No…No…No…No…No…No…

I still do have my regular pairings…like you know Kaito and Aoko(Magic Kaitou) and Luke and Tear(Tales of the Abyss) and all other canon pairings…

OH!

I see!

Yuuri and Wolfram are canon so I can suppose they’re good!

And I only have two non-canon pairing likes, which is Luke and Asch/Guy and Kaito and Hakuba…and then I’m forever going with canon! As long as I’m only in love with regular pairing(girl x boy) anime then I’ll be okay, right?

Yes…yes I will…As long as I stay clear of animes with shonen-ai things then I’m safe…

Yes…Yes…Yes…

But…I still do kinda like shonen-ai…maybe it’s because it’s different and all that…but I absolutely hate shoujo-ai…so in conclusion I can still say I’m straight…

A true girl at heart…absolutely…I like only guys and animes(which contains bishies!)

…
…
…
…
…

Now I feel perverted…I’m not a pervert…I’m just not all too innocent, but I’m not a pervert…absolutely not…no…no…no…I’m not believing that..not believing that at all….

*sighs* What kind of brain do I have that I keep thinking these things?….

Well whadayaknow… I’m dense…

Haha…whatever.

Well, okay I’m not totally dense, I get to pick things up too. But sometimes I am dense.

I pride myself in sensing things, I have that weird semi-ability, I’m able to read a person quite accurately by observing them.

And I love people watching and seeing how every person act but sometimes there are some things I just don’t notice.

So I’m not completely dense.

Just semi-dense.

BLAH!!! OKay I’m running out of things but I still feel on turmoil.

It may sound mean or cruel or practically uncaring for others but sometimes I just don’t care.

I’m no saint nor angel. I don’t get along with everybody, tried to do it once, got blown up in my face so just forgot about it.

I’m happy as long as the people the REALLY MATTERS don’t hate me.

See…cruel, mean, uncaring and all those stuff.

But please don’t tell that you haven’t felt that way at least once before because if you haven’t then don’t judge me yet. I’m a different person from you or from your friends, families and other acquaintances…so meh.

But still I do think I’m bad but I’m not totally evil.

Argh! I’m in no condition to do this!

My head feels poked, my eyes are sore, drippy nose-yet not sick?!- I’m behind two months worth of my fics, still need to finish  my book, haven’t reviewed, having this weird unknown feeling brewing inside of me,  and running out of word to type.

BLAGH!

Well I’ve been surfing the net and I found a few quotes or sayings…or proverbs, or adages or whatever the hell you’d like to call them. And here they are!

*drumroll* da da da dum! *is hammered*

1.) A recent survey stated that the average person’s
greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked
even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling
me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin
than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

–
Jerry Seinfield

2.) It’s much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.

3.) As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it.

–
Sam Ewing (Readers Digest, Dec, 1997)

4.) We all need money, but there are degrees of desperation.

–
Anthony Burgess

5.) Humor is just another defense against the universe.

–
Mel Brooks

6.) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

–
Andy Rooney

7.) Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

–
Issac Asimov

8.) I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me.

–
Somerset Maugham

9.) Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.

–
Leslie Nielsen

10.) The easiest job in the world has to be coroner.
Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If
everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse

–
Dennis Miller (quoted in Underground Humor, 1997, ed: Edward Bergin)

11.) Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

–
Jimmy Durante

12.) The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

–
Robert Frost

13.) I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

–
Douglas Adams

14.) I can resist everything except temptation.

–
Oscar Wilde

15.) There is only one way to achieve happiness on this
terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none
at all.

–
Ogden Nash

16.) Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

–
Winston Churchill

17.) If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.

–
Albert Einstein

18.) The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.

–
Peter Ustinov

…

uh…okay, so I’m starting another journal and why the hell does it sound so much better in my head?

*silence*

*blink*

gee, talk about dead crowd…

*is shot*

Anyways…so I’ll try this again.

Re-trace my steps…

August 6…

Test. Quite hard,

August 7…

Test still…dang hard!

August 8…

The tests are stalking meeeeee!!!!*is shot again*

OKay after that, August 8, afternoon.

Flute meeting. Sadly no flute,

Then August 9,

Flute pratice, Now have flute…blow blow blow…dizzy.

August 9, afternoon.

Still flute pratice, drizzling, brought gameboy, wasn’t able to play gameboy because of stupid classmates…keh.

Got slightly wet.

August 9, after school,

Throat dry, WATER!!!, still slightly wet.

August 10, morning.

Flute practice again. Throat still hurt but meh…

Much much warmer than yesterday…but I want cold!

then PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE for afternoon presentation.

August 10, afternoon, before performance. 1:00pm-3:00pm

Rest. Total rest. Did nothing. Let my classmate fix my hair. Like hair ministrations, so soothing. Almost fell asleep.

Played word game, sentence continuity. Said sentences made no sense but was still fun.

August 10, afternoon.

Presentation time.

Went to Cathedral Church, present was some sort of tiange(ti-ya-ng-ge-or whatever…-). Weird…

Ara and Deniz came to watch us.

Performed, was clever enough to position clip that was holding flute piece on idiot board as so the wind will not blow it away. Silently congratulated self.

Was shivering after performance, so public speaking thing of mine.

Flute performers were treated to C2 and the mini cake thing from Crown Bakeshop.  Kept the C2, gave Ara the cake thing.

P.S. Deniz freaked her brother out when she called out to him middle of program, along with us.

Finished the program, helped bring our idiot boards back. Held on to Argie’s C2, played with the cute dogs being sold at Cathedral with the said C2, which was unfortunately barely drunk in. Owner was quite upset, but dogs were too cute to resist, they like the yellow bottle.

Did all things needed and went home.

August 11,

Felt suck-ish, headache chewing me. Mum told me to go down, when she was gone threw a silent temper tantrum. Felt good afterwards.

Did not go down, later discovered I was sick.

Throat feels dried up. It sucks!

But at least no nagging occured. I thank Kami-sama for that. Even though my head hurts like hell.

August 12,

Still sick, no nagging, head still going "thud, thud, thud", nose won’t stop dripping, it hurts to swallow, talk or breathe, which is why I was in bed all day, watching TV.

Not that bad.

August 12, night.

Felt like Mum’s really taking care of me, she’s using the sweet caring voice she rarely, I mean rarely ever uses. I like soft ministrations when I go to sleep…mmmmm

August 13,

Monday, still sick, slept in, absent.

Woke up lunch. felt so re-energized

August 13, afternoon,

much much better, no more throbbing head, still have the cough and colds though.

August 14,

Tuesday, did not get sick again, dang…went to school. Still okay.

Quite disoriented.

Felt like sleeping or day-dreaming or spacing out.

Practice teacher in Soc Scie sucks…doesn’t give justice to the nice topics, which just sucks.

August 14, afternoon/night

writing…I mean typing this. just finished.

——–

Week was mostly…nothing. We did nothing and I got sick. My immune system is weird…

OWARI!

Reality…

Most think I don’t know reality…it’s just often times I ignore it and make my own beliefs.

But I really do know what reality is. Or rather what reality does.

Reality in the crudest sense makes everything suck.

Yes, reality sucks.

I know that…

I knew that a long, long…looong time ago.

People think I don’t.

Just shows how much people know me. *insert sarcasticness here*

But you know just because I tend to be on the childish-I-believe-everyone-is-good side of my life doesn’t mean I don’t know reality, in fact it’s because I know reality that’s why I lean on that side.

Ever since I was a kid, I knew these things, I was more mature in that sense but as I learned that these kinds of things were unnatural to a kid I tried to hide it, over doing the childish bit, hence being looked upon as a frolicsome little girl.

I was jealous before because of what others had, I knew it was reality’s doing. And how I hated reality.

I tried to hide from it.

But it was no use reality was everywhere!

Well that just seemed stupid…I mean reality is really everywhere I mean it is our lives, it’s where we live…

But then I noticed if I thought and did what I knew, I can erase reality even for just a little while…if I can just believe that everybody is how I want them to be then I can relax.

I always have my guard up, planning silently…I can only count a few times when I let every guard down.

I hated it when people thought I wouldn’t get them because I was oblivious to things like these. Because I know, I’m not naive. I know what to do and what to think when I’m in some situation.

So please don’t tell me to face facts, to see that there’s a world beyond what I know because you don’t really know where my world is. I know where reality and fiction cuts off. There’s a thin line separating them and I know where it is.

I’m not dumb or naive. I know what life is when reality is concerned, I’ve had my share of reality’s stupid ways…so there…please think before you say anything.

Just so you’d know me better! *wink*

Top Tens o’ Mine

~ANIME/MANGA~

1.) Detective Conan/Magic Kaitou

2.)  Matantei Loki Ragnarok

3.) Ranma 1/2

4.) Full Metal Alchemist

5.) Full Metal Panic

6.) Hayate no Gotoku

7.) Ultra Maniac

8.) Inuyasha

9.) Daa! Daa! Daa!

10.) Rurouni Kenshin

(p.s. I still have a lot of Animes I love!)

=====

~BOOKS~(Author)

1.) Mediator Series(Meg Cabot)

2.) Every Boy’s Got One( Meg Cabot)

3.) Boy Meets Girl(Meg Cabot)

4.) Sherlock Homes(Sir Athur Conan Doyle)

5.) Nancy Drew(Carolyn Keene)

6.) Can you Keep a Secret(Sophie Kinsella)

7.) Archie Comics(?)

8.)

9.)

10.)

(I can’t think of anything anymore…XD)

=====

~MUSIC~(English and Tagalog)

1.) Every Little Thing(He does is Magic) by M.Y.M.P.

2.) Dirty Little Secret by All American Rejects

3.) How to Safe a Life

4.) I write Sins not Tragedies

5.) All I want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey

6.) Gomen Nasai

7.) Behind These Hazel Eyes

8.) Leave(Get Out)

9.) Chasing Cars

10.) Girl Next Door

11.) Could it Be

12.) Growing With You

13.) Farewell To You My Friend

14.) Thousand Miles

15.) Scratch

16.) Miskol

17.) Para Sayo

18.) Silver Toes

19.) Fairytale

20.) At the Beginning

(Alright so it’s twenty! So sue me! XP)

==========

~BISHIES~(Guys/Anime Guys)

1. Uhm…Someone (=.=)

2. Kaito Kuroba/Kaitou KID (KID-sama! Kaito-kun!)

3. Loki…(Loki-sama!)

4. Hakuba Saguru (oooh! British!)

5. Ranma Saotome (Kawaii, Ran-chan!)

6. Kanata Saonji (Very cute!)

7. Natsume Hyuuga (Hoe!)

8. Conan Edogawa/Shinichi Kudo (Luv!)

9. Kenshin (Gotta luv that "Oro")

10. Hitachiin Twins; Hikaru and Kaoru (’coz how can you just pick one? ish TWINCEST!)

======

~PLACES I WANT TO VISIT~

1. Japan!( Because, where else?)

2. London (You have to luv their slang!)

3. Norway (I’m intruiged about Norse Myths!)

4. Paris (Just because I’m a romantic)

5. Hong Kong (Seems nice…)

6. Boracay (Dammit! I want to go!)

7. Maya Civilization! (What? I don’t know where it is….)

8. Switzerland (?Maybe? I like a place where there’s snow!)

9. California (Tropical-ish!)

10. Beverly Hills (I can’t think of anything else! XP)

============

well, there we go! I can’t think of anything for now, maybe next time…Ja!

ooohhh!!! I’m finally writing another Journal entry! ish because i happy!

Yesh, I very happy!

*blush*

Yay!

Oh! I was voted as an officer today!!! Assistant secretary and third year representative! For computer and arts club respectively. Awesome ne?

I mean I’ve never been a club officer except when I was grade 4 and I was elected president for our science club…so exciting! Plus,well…ooohh! *blush* I was with him…

*CHU!*

And I finished my Friendster project! To fix Den dear’s profile! I am good!

Anyways no classes on Friday! Sad though I have to go to school since I have the screening for Pauleen…I’m entering as a cartoonist, just hope I get picked! XDD

And I finished Ranma movie 1 and 2 plus 12 OVAs and I lurv it! Ranma and Akane are soooo kawaii together! I swoon!

And incidently I keep calling people "dear", it started with Deniz…so she’s my original dear but there is some people I wouldn’t mind calling dear….Oh, and "gurl", it’s funny and quite cute really…

well, I’m out of things to say…

Bai Bai!

p.s. I cannot fully understand the male mind!!! Blargh!

I sit there watching you.

Do you notice?

I don’t suppose…

Every chance I get, I would sneak a peek. It’s hard. It’s pointless.

I know. I’m an idiot to even persist.

But I can’t just stop. No matter if I want to.

You might say that’s just a stupid excuse, of course I can take control of my actions and feelings. It might be, but I don’t perceive it that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I did try. Maybe it wasn’t hard enough. But the point was I tried.

And I failed.

I thought I could keep you out of my thoughts. But you just came barging back in.

I hate it. I hate you…no, never. I could never hate you, could I?

Everytime I see you I feel my heart beat faster, I feel a blush rising. but I mastered my Poker Face. I can mask my emotions on the outside.

I can smile even if I want to cry.

And then, you turn your head to my direction. I fear you have caught me.

Did you? I don’t think so. Maybe you just didn’t care about me enough. Of course, that’s it. I smile sadly at the thought.

My feelings have been going for a long time and no matter what I told myself I’ll like you, I’ll love you. It doesn’t matter it you return the feeling or not. I’ll just do it. But time can wear down even the toughest of wills, and my will to love you is wearing down considerably.

I’m wavering, I don’t want to continue. I’m tired of it.

And you just don’t care.

What great support. How sarcastic of me…Ha, ha.

I don’t want this anymore, I want you to return my feelings, maybe there’s the obstacle that I haven’t said what I’m feeling, ne?

But when I observe you, I can see you don’t care at all. It doesn’t help.

I want to tell you but I can’t bear for rejection, I’m scared and I’m not afraid to admit it. Everyone is afraid of something. This is one of my fears, and I don’t even know what to do.

Do you even know that I put up masks? Oh, of course not. You don’t care after all.

But I do, just to clear it up. I do wear masks, like everybody else. They might say they’re true to others, that their not lying, that who they are now are who they really are. Get me? I mean everyone has masks, it’s just sometimes their masks are just so natural it’s not even noticed by the owner.

I notice mine. I’m a baby, a kid, a teen and an adult. Depending on the situation, I can be anyone.

It’s kind of stupid really, I mean all those "be honest to yourselves", how can you be when you’re just too afraid.

Well, even if I do put up my masks I still hope, though pointless, that you would see through them. And maybe at least worry, even as a good friend, but I’m asking to much. I doubt you’d even worry if I didn’t put a mask up and you’d see me plain and bare as, well…me.

The Real Me. The Me which I’m not even very familiar with.

And you just wouldn’t care.

I sigh, before I thought your presence was enough, but I’m greedy, I want to be with you, to talk to you, to be a friend…do you even consider me as a friend?

This is hopeless, pointless, futile.

I shouldn’t even be pouring this much time. I’ve wasted so many time, I’ve wasted my freedom, I’ve wasted a lot.

I always told myself it was worth it, sometimes it was but as a whole, is it?

Is everything I do worth it?

I’m not sure. I think it is but then I see it sometimes, like a burden? Maybe.

It hurts being ignored, to go through each day unnoticed.

I want you to see me. I want you to be with me. I want you.

But I wouldn’t dare tell you that. Never, well…not yet.

Someday maybe. And if you do end up with someone else rather than me, I  already decided to be happy for you. I decided if that’s what’s best for you, then I’m good. I’m happy. It will hurt, I know, I haven’t read break-up books for nothing. I know it will hurt but I also know that it will pass by. If you’re not the one I’m suppose to be with then what’s the point dwelling.

I’m new, I’m me. I don’t need to dwell.

"I’m happy for you. Congratulations, you’re very lucky." is what I would say with a great big smile, even if I really want to cry, rip you apart and cry some more.

I would stop now, maybe then I would notice somebody new. Somebody for me. After all I’m getting older by the year. it wouldn’t be such a surprise to find someone, even if it is a long kind of fling. As long as that person’s special. Real special. I’ll know…somehow I get the feeling I’ll know if it’s my special person.

I might not know but I might just bump into him, meet him somewhere…

I just have to wait…so Sayanora to you, my beloved! I need to open my eyes again to the world around me! It won’t be that easy but I’ll go through it with a smile. I have others to support me. I can make it. I can do it!

I’ll be getting ready. I’ll leave my feelings, I won’t be attached anymore. Just because I’m tired of waiting. I’m not very patient to begin with and I think two and a fourth years(2 and 1/4 years) is enough waiting for me. I’m a highschooler! I should live life! besides playing cupid is better than being cupid’s target! *wink*

SAYANORA Watashi no furui kimochi!

~ Aud-chan!

————==============———————

I can’t believe I went from, I love you, I can’t give you up to I’m tired and i want to stop to I’m done with you…so semi-done with you. I’m crazy! So crazy!!! but I am semi-done with him…I’m going to move on, I don’t want to wait if it’s pointless…

P.S. Sayanora Watashi no furui kimochi = Goodbye my old feelings! (Sugoi-cool-,ne?)